you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Randomize
