Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
