12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
