As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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