Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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