We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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