so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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