Dual....:-)
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
