I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
