remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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