when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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