This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
