I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
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your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
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There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.