I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
