It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
