Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Randomize
