I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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