Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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