well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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