My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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