just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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