my mouth tastes like poor choices
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
