the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
