we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
