I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
