Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
