If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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