Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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