He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
