No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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