You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices