apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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