Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
