new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
