I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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