R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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