I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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