I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
