3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
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i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
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Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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