just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
