Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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