holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
