sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
