I swear to god he's a one man village people.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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