Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
