I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Did I show you my penis last night?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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