I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
