you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
