Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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