Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
