I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
