Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
